Judgement & Love
Judgement has no place in love
Each of us are individuals with our own unique beliefs, values, experiences and morals. Because of this each of us will have a different perspective. Understanding this is one of the simplest ways to have happy relationships. Respecting that two people can have totally different views and neither be wrong or right. The opposite of that is to assume that you are right, making the other person wrong. That is called judgement. And it is one of the fastest ways to destroy love.
When you judge another you are saying they are wrong. You are telling them that you are right. You are challenging their unique perspective. You are undermining their right to an opinion. Also you are undermining everything that makes that person unique. Judgement is highly different to debate, discussion or challenge. As with those you are open to the possibility that the other person may have a valid point. Where is a with judgement that is not the case.
Have you felt it?
Have you ever been in a situation where you have been judged? Where someone has told you they are right and you are wrong? Do you remember how that made you feel? The clip I always think of when some stands in judgement of another is Matilda. You know were her crook of a Dad reacts to her pleas for him to be honest. Stating “I’m smart, your dumb! I’m big, your little. I’m right, your wrong!” ending with the classic line, “And there is NOTHING you can do about it” And we all know how that turned out! Now I hope you’ve never experienced anything as extreme as that but you get my point.
Have you done it?
We have all judged someone at some point. Be it something small like a chat about someone else’s choice in dress, job, partner even. However have you ever said that directly to the person? Most of us have at some point in our lives. It can be so easy to do it without even realising. A throw away line of “Oh why did you do that?” Implies judgement. Think it through, your saying you would have done it differently AND they should have too. Judgement.
Lack of judgement does not mean you agree
To keep out of judgement does not mean you have to agree. If your best friend has made a shocking choice, you are more than entitled as a close friend to offer an alternative. That is not judgement. If you partner wants to change jobs and it would impact your family, of course you don’t have to agree. If you child has decided to take up a hobby you don’t approve of, of course you an say why. The thing is having a different opinion is not judgement. To sit in judgement is to discount the other person. That is why it is so dangerous in all types of love.
What judgement means
The moment you judge someone you say you love, be it your child, friend, partner or even parent you devalue them. You say you do not value their reasons. You show you are unwilling to take the time to listen, discuss or try to understand. In fact if you are being judged in any of your relationships at present it would be wise to evaluate that relationship. Being judgmental on a regular basis is actually a sign of abuse. Constant put downs is the top listed example of emotional abuse on the living without abuse website and to judge another IS to put them down.
What is the alternative?
The alternative is very simple. Do NOT judge. Not at all, ever! What ever your view and opinion, respect the right of the other to view things differently. Ideally try to have a pleasant, open, honest conversation about why you feel and think differently. Accept that neither of you have to change to suit the other. Try to at least appreciate where the other person is coming from. That kind of empathy, compassion and consideration for the other person with help deepen and strengthen your relationship.
We learn about how to do things like these simple but highly effective changes within the Relationship School which launches on 1st November. It is only £10 a month for coaching, content and a community of other people looking to have happier and healthy relationships. The no obligation sign up for is on the page.